Copyright 2012 Theresa Harvard Johnson
For full understanding, please read Part I: Identifying & Releasing Chaotic People
Proverbs 25:28 AMP says, “He who has no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down and without walls.”
I am writing this article not to shame ANYONE, but to call the body of Christ into accountability; and to reveal what is really going on in the spirit with some of God’s people. Chaotic people are BROKEN PEOPLE. They are hurting deeply! It is imperative that we understand this.
You might ask: What does this mean? This means that there is a spiritual root (and there can be more than one) to their actions and behavior. It means that your love walk and your patience are being tested. Many believers have NO TOLERANCE for people who are in need of deliverance in this area and they will cut them off. But for those of us who can see, and whom God has assigned to walk with His people through this, there is a requirement for “truth in love.”
In my experience as a minister, repeatedly confronting those walking in this stronghold does not bring long-term change or even awareness. When people are in denial, they are literally saying “I don’t have a problem” and the door is closed to you outside of prayer and intercession. This has been the case with me so many times with people battling this stronghold. As a result, the Lord began to take me into places of intercession and show me how to set strong boundaries in my own life – blocking “chaos” from entering in. I want to share some of these strategies with you by the leading of Holy Spirit.
If you are in an intimate relationship with someone walking in the spirit of chaos, then these strategies will not only block the effects of this stronghold – but it will be the foundation of deliverance for them as well. You will need to:
- Forgive the person. In my life, the spirit of chaos has been in the midst of relationships that were intimate to me and to the ministry entrusted to me. There was some wounding, extreme frustration and later deep resentment. Loving and lovingly stern confrontation had failed. In my prayer time, the Lord revealed that my heart was hardening toward the relationship and I needed to forgive. I had to pull up any weeds in my heart that were seeking to bury bitter roots in me. These people were not my enemies, but my beloved brethren in Christ. I leaned on Psalms 51:2, 10-12; and Matthew 6:14 to break through.
- Enter into war by declaring the will of God. I had to seek God through prayer and intercession to tell me exactly what I was dealing with. I couldn’t afford to have any generalities because these godly relationships were at stake. When the God kind of love exists between brethren, you won’t just let your brothers and sisters DIE in the midst or allow the enemy of our souls (the flesh) to steal the relationship. This scripture defined my place of prayer: 2 Corinthians 10:3-4 CJB says, “For although we do live in the world, we do not wage war in a worldly way; 4 because the weapons we use to wage war are not worldly. On the contrary, they have God’s power for demolishing strongholds. We demolish arguments 5 and every arrogance that raises itself up against the knowledge of God; we take every thought captive and make it obey the Messiah.”
- Release the responsibility given to them. In some instances, I had to release those chaotic people from varying responsibilities and/or access in my life or within the ministry entrusted to me. I quickly learned that while a person might be skilled, having a person with less skill but who was dependable and willing to learn was more important. When there was work to do or assignments that needed fulfilling, I made sure that those assignments went to people with a track record for completing things. In other words, I stopped releasing authority and power to chaotic people for them to abuse.
You will have to be stern in this area. Sometimes, people will literally insist that they be given responsibilities; but for your own protection and sanity you must not give in to them. You will need to trust God – even if it means doing it yourself or doing without. YOUR PEACE is well worth the sacrifice. We must be like the man in scripture who gave each one of his servants’ talents (Matthew 25:14-30). When all is said and done, we must allow the wisdom of God to show us what each person is able to handle by his or her actions.
- Set godly boundaries all around you and DO NOT break them. One of the most beautiful aspects of this process was learning to live within the boundaries the Lord had set for me – without regret or explanation. Godly boundaries are walls of protection that the Lord sets up to keep harm out of way. We were not created to be abused and mistreated – even in leadership. While this does happen, we must seek the wisdom of God to erect the proper walls. Some of the walls Holy Spirit taught me to build were these:
- Guard your peace. People in chaos destroy peace and can completely shift the atmosphere around you – causing everyone in your sphere of influence to spin out of control. Some time ago, I had scheduled a rendezvous point in South Georgia for an outing with friends. In order to make it to the outing in time, everyone needed to arrive so that we could carpool. Everyone arrived as scheduled but this one person. So when the appointed time came, we left – ensuring that we would not rush, and that we would arrive at the location in PEACE and in time to get our reserved seats. As I drove, my phone rang. It was the person in chaos saying they were on the way and would be there in 15. I said, “We left at the designated time. Please meet us the location.” I quickly hung up the phone to prevent any further chatter and manipulation. Do you know that the person was angry when they finally arrived at the location? They were appalled that we left without them and that no one called to say we were leaving. You see, from my perspective that was not my responsibility. In fact, I believed that the person “we were waiting on” bore the responsibility of calling in advance to say, “Hey, I’m going to be late. Can you wait on me? If not, I will understand if you leave without me so that we don’t lose our reservations.” A person in chaos will always shift blame and complain of unfair treatment where none exists. If they are not blocked, they will frustrate you and disrupt your PEACE. (Matthew 10:14)
- Set solid meeting times. When I schedule meetings with those I shepherd or do business with, I specifically set aside time dedicated for them. There are no other voices coming through that interfere with that time – this includes phone calls and texts. As a young believer seeking counsel and guidance, I had leaders around that couldn’t do this with me or others. They allowed folk to interrupt them endlessly, and the person they were meeting with NEVER received the attention they should have. I remember feeling insignificant and unimportant. Just as God gives us His undivided attention when we meet with Him, I want to do the same with His people. I “never” want people to feel that way in my presence. To do so would be to say, “I have something more important to do than talk with you.” This isn’t the will of God! On the same note, when that time is up I desire to be free to move into my next assignment. I have come to expect the same from those with whom I meet. It is a place of mutual respect and honor. It is a place of saying, “I value your time and you are important to me.” Chaotic people trample all over this boundary.
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Acknowledge that the boundary has been broken and state your terms. Practice confronting the chaotic behavior when it occurs. In a previous bullet above, I talked about an outing with my friends in South Georgia. When the opportunity presented itself, I said to this to the chaotic person who was angry that we left without her: “We left at our scheduled meeting time to secure our reserved seats. You were late and this is a pattern with you, and you did not call us to let us know you were going to be late until AFTER the scheduled meeting time. Had we waited on you, our efforts to enjoy the evening would have been frustrated as we rushed to the outing. In addition, our reservations could have been cancelled. I understand that you are upset, but we did nothing wrong. You caused this situation.”
People of God, hear this: Do not go out of your way to appease chaotic people. They will try to make you feel guilty! Don’t fall for it. Confrontation allows them to face THEMSELVES and for them to accept their own responsibility for their actions. Otherwise, you will be the one left feeling as if you did something wrong when in fact, you did not. Worse than that, you might make them think their behavior is okay. IT ISN’T.
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Don’t get into long drawn out conversations. If you are in intimate relationship with a chaotic person, they will often feel slighted by you once you start setting boundaries and cutting off their chaotic behavior. They will feel put out when you politely hangup the phone when the excuse making begins. They will feel like they need to be heard or that they have a right to pour their excuses and explanations in your ear.
Let me tell you something, you have the right to SHUT THEM DOWN. You don’t have to be rude, but you can be direct — clearly indicating that again — this is not okay and that you are not going to nor do you have to talk about it.
Father leads me to “shut down” these manipulative conversations all the time. Sometimes, they will contact you for an “innocent reason” and then suddenly turn the conversation around to “what they feel like they need to share.” Sometimes when I answer the phone I’ll say, “Hello, good to hear from you. What’s going on?” You want to get them to the point and cut out all the chitchat. It is okay to let calls go to voicemail or to send a text to follow-up if needed. Father wants YOU to guard your heart from the root of bitterness and frustration. BE FREE to do whatever it takes by the Spirit to keep YOUR PEACE. Let your “yes be yes and your no be no” in all conversation (Matthew 5:37). This is not “MEAN” people of God. It is setting healthy boundaries.
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Don’t let them disrupt the meeting or event. This should be under the boundary section, but it is so important that I thought I would make a bullet just for it. When dealing with those chaotic people who are always rushing, leaving people hanging and/or who show up late, I urge you to greet them kindly when they arrive and continue moving forward with the meeting. When you STOP THE MEETING to play catch up you are entering into their chaos, and forcing others to enter also. If they interrupt the meeting and ask what they have missed, simply confront them and set the proper boundaries: “You arrived late. You missed the first half of the meeting. You can ask someone what happened after we are done.” Then proceed with the meeting if you are in charge.
Sometimes chaotic people will get offended by that and further disrupt the meeting by asking someone else – again passive aggressively – to fill them in while YOU are attempting to move on. I have literally had to say, “We are going to move in the vein in which we started this meeting. If anyone is late, they can catch up later. Let us be respectful of everyone’s time.
Overall, you do not have to fall into the spirit of chaos, be led by the spirit of chaos or FEEL GUILTY in any way. THIS IS NOT YOUR BURDEN TO BEAR. YOU have no reason to feel guilty and YOU did not setup, initiate or cause the chaotic circumstance. Please, please understand this. Chaotic people FEED off chaos and the attention it brings; and they can be completely unaware of what they are doing. It is that much a part of them. I pray that this teaching is a blessing to you and that you are now able to RELEASE CHAOTIC PEOPLE from your life before the relationship (if it is of God) is destroyed.
Matthew 7:6 AMP says, “Do not give what is holy to dogs; nor cast your pearls among swine; lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you into pieces.”
