Copyright 2015 Theresa Harvard Johnson
I have struggled with been socially awkward.
From childhood, if I was put in a situation that made me uncomfortable it would show visibly. People would say things like: She’s just shy. She needs more time to prepare. Give her a few more minutes, then she can do it.
Unfortunately, those conclusions were not always the case. Insecurities, identity issues and a whole lot of other conversations were actually taking place in my head. And while this kind of awkwardness is something we often brush off with children; it can be downright crippling for an adult who has accepted their awkwardness — often a false identity. So much so that it can limit our life’s progress and success.
The level of social awkwardness operating in my life was brought to my attention a few months ago by my intercessor. She noted some things that I was aware of; but that really needed my spiritual attention in a greater way. You see, up to this point I could get away with being awkward in the areas she identified. But as my ministry shifted and my social circuit increased, it was not an area that I could ignore or sweep away anylonger because of the level of interaction now necessary in the midst of ministry. I had to move further into dealing with this issue.
Her honesty sent me on a deliberate, prayerful quest to identify its ungodly source and reverse its effects in and on my life. Even as I write this, I am still on that quest to eradicate it and walk fully in grace.
By definition, awkwardness is an adjective that describes lacking skill or dexterity as in being clumsy; lacking grace or ease in movement; or even lacking social graces or manners. In my younger years, I was given the nickname “crip,” short for crippled and klutz. I was always dropping things, bumping into walls and windows, falling down or tripping up stairs, or otherwise being uncontrollably awkward at the worst possible moments…. to a point where it left me in the hospital, in crutches or in extremely shameful situations. The kind of situations that family members and childhood friends bring up at reunions. Sometimes, I was conversationally or behaviorally awkward – resulting in even more personal humiliation. I am not exaggerating and I did not grow out of all of it. If you have been socially awkward then you already know what is meant here.
Only the Lord could began and ultimately complete the necessary healing process in me.
Awkwardness has many shades and sides. My personality is primarily choleric (mostly the positive attributes of this today). I am naturally practical, technical and always looking for the big picture. My intuitive nature, especially as it relates to social graces, has been a”deliberate” and continuous place of growth and maturity. My mind was not programmed in that direction which mean Holy Spirit had to retrain me, guide me. It is not instinctive for me to “be graceful” like an accomplished dancer before an audience or a person with an etiquette based background where they are always conscious of the appropriate thing to do. It has been the work of the spirit within me. People who are drenched in social graces are often unaware of the struggle with awkwardness others face. When it is revealed, that awkwardness can truly distance relationships, become an obstacle and leave people feeling some-kind-of-way toward you.
But guess what? God is with you. A person can move out of social awkwardness with prayer and practice if the desire is truly there to do so. The practical aspect involves learning about social graces and putting them into practice. Here is some insight to consider that might help you along your journey:
· Awkwardness can be the of anxiety. It was in my situation. This realization marked the beginning of my healing journey! While I do not believe awkwardness was the cause of my anxiety, I surely believe that anxiety caused me to be awkward. You see, certain environments and interactions with people can “trigger” anxiety — a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.[1] I was able to look back at some of my most awkward and inwardly embarrassing encounters and realize that they pointed directly to those things in my life that triggered some form of anxiety – whether blatant or subtle in nature.
· It is necessary to identify your triggers. Generally, I saw anxiety from the extreme side of life – paralyzing panic attacks, sweating, not being able to move…. which I have had a lot of in the midst of my life and ministry. I even thought I was having a heart attack once. I am being very transparent here… because as believers (and especially leaders), we hesitate to tell the truth about what we are really going through. I was able to identify my “triggers” or the things that caused me to suddenly become awkward. For example, I am uncomfortable in extremely crowded environments with people I do not know well. I have a friend on the other hand who loves meeting people, and makes friends easily. For her, those environments are AWESOME! For me, not so much – I automatically go into “I’m ready to go” mode. The longer I am in the environment, the more awkward I become.
· Triggers indicate a need for healing. There may be many different triggers. The idea here is not to push enter into introspection! But to begin asking Holy Spirit to show you where this trigger come from? Then allowing God to heal you from the root. Early in ministry, I was extremely awkward in any situation that involved being around people I perceived to be in authority. My awkwardness caused me not to be able to speak up for myself; to compromise on what I wanted or needed; or to even look completely out of place when among them. I was anxious, unsure and fully in the midst of an anxiety episode. It took an encounter with Holy Spirit for me to realize that I had a problem with authority figures stemming back from a place of trauma that caused me to cower in awkwardness like a little girl in their presence. While your situation may not be this extreme, it is necessary that we acknowledge the source of our anxiety and deal with it.
· Allow Holy Spirit to do the work. You can participate, but you can’t do it. Allow Holy Spirit to instruct you on how to pray, walk it out, behave, be accountable or whatever else you need to break the anxiety and its effects off your life. Listen people of God, I am living proof that he will do it. As the triggers in my life were exposed, I became conscious of my behavior in those uncomfortable situations. With the help of Holy Spirit, I learned some personal strategies for coping… that enabled me to confront those situations head on and stand victorious.
· Be deliberate and repetitive in your practice. The truth is this: You have to want to break free of your awkwardness. At every opportunity, it may be necessary to practice “not being awkward” depending on what your issue has been. This, of course, is with the help of Holy Spirit. In other words, allow Holy Spirit to walk with you through your anxiety. Do not get discouraged if your results are not immediate. Just trust him! Holy Spirit has also taught me how to make quick, graceful exits to give myself the time needed to re-access my situation. It is also okay if Holy Spirit directs you to receive deeper healing through Christian counseling or some other means.
Listen, I know that there are clinical types of anxiety. Quite honestly, I am not addressing those issues in this post although I do believe these tips can offer some additional assistance.
It is my prayer that this article will bring hope and relief to those who have struggled in this area. You do not have to be the clumsy girl in the room or the one who fidgets with her braid excessively when speaking before a crowd. You do not have to be the person who begins rocking back and forth when you get bored in the midst of a group conversation; or find yourself daydreaming out of a situation. You do not have to lose all your words and your train of thought when standing before an authority figure in your life.
I pray that those reading will realize that “you do not have to be awkward.” It is NOT how you are! And finally, this is not about fitting in with other people. It is about being a confident, representation of the true you in God. (In no way is this article intended to cover the immense subject of awkwardness. It is also not addressing outward appearance or personality. Rather, the focus is on awkwardness in interactions with others. This is simply an aspect of this topic.)
