February 15, 2020
For years I did not know who I was as a woman. On the outskirts of life, I stood as a chameleon in the lives of others.
I was used to morphing into “whoever I needed to be” for acceptance, validation and love.
I had no idea how to be “myself” because I had no “sense of self.” If you don’t know, a “sense of self” is a personal, intimate understanding of who you are outside of other people, cultures, religion or what you do…. or even who you are to other people.
Ten years ago when I launched the Scribe School, every student had to do an exercise on inner beauty (and still do) that helps them tell us who they are outside what they do, skills they have or the dependency others have of them. Most people, no matter how seasoned they are, cannot do this.
Why? Because their sense of self is distorted by the noisy world around them. That noise includes trauma sometimes and just overall internal clutter.
Even sadder, unhealthy attachment to religion has caused some people to make “spirituality” their identity… and completely swallows up who they are outside of it. It’s like the wife or caregiver who has served in those defined roles so long that they do not know how to exist without them.
I trained in inner healing for years, received certifications and walked with people whose identity was stripped from the bones through horrific sexual abuse, tragedies and traumas. Of all the things they faced, that lost “SENSE OF SELF” was the most difficult and confounding.
If we don’t know who we are… it is impossible to gauge authentic direction and begin to navigate.
For me, and those I know who heal from it speak of finding victory in the small things instead of dwelling on the big picture. The big picture can be overwhelming and excruciatingly painful – especially when you find yourself in mid-life or later battling with this.
The thing is: There is nothing to be ashamed of because we all struggle and we all need saving from ourselves at times.
Inner-life is difficult.
For me, and others, allowing the love of Christ to absolute overwhelm you is the beginning. THE LORD WANTS YOU TO FEEL AND EXPERIENCE HIS LOVE BEYOND THE NUMBNESS – WHICH IS VERY REAL – AND BEYOND RELIGIOUS ACTIVITY! HE WANTS US TO MAKE THAT DEEP EMOTIONAL CONNECTION THAT BREAKS THE BONDS AND PUSHES US INTO SONSHIP!
Religion, meaning our spiritual walk, was never meant to take emotion away. Rather, the Lord wants to change our affections to His and avoid "emotionalism" — living your life in your feelings, moods.
The gift of Christ, Holy Spirit, has a way of meeting us in the dead-marrow of those dry bones and speaking to that inner-man concerning the needs of the inner-life.
For me, I was deprived of the right kind of love from both mother and father. I lacked care and nurturing both physical and natural, and only knew abuse. I was severely neglected… some of it so bad that outside of counseling just over a decade ago was never uttered.
Depravity of care, if we are to be honest, is riddled in the issue of identity. To be deprived of touch, affection, kindness… or the right kind of touch, affection, kindness leaves invisible wounds folks can’t see and that prayer alone can’t heal. The vessel must be willing also to come alive at all costs.
If you are in this place and you love the Lord, the first vice that the Lord often brings down or destroys is that inability to receive love. That’s a stronghold.
Yes, we can list all the roots in the world! But at the end of the day, “the inner heart” of the “inner self” must force itself to crack open in mustard-seed trust… so the light of love (God’s love) can come in.
Sense of self begins with receiving your value, receiving your worth… receiving the right kind of love no matter what AGE you may be.
Pain has no age limit. And love and being loved has no expiration date. Tonight, if this is you… battling for a sense of self… let the Lord have your gut-wrenching tears. Let the Lord have your agonizing cries. Let HOLY SPIRIT enter in as often as you can… as you take those next steps.
Listen, I would drive to the Walmart parking lot in the middle of the night years ago just to scream. (Yes I did.) Some of the most amazing moments I have ever had with the Lord were there… as He ministered to my soul.
We are not machines.
Religion was never meant to cover or hide our “true self.”
Yes, I know about all the healing methods. You can do those also… but what you do in private to restore your inner-self when no one else is watching is what ultimately makes the difference.
I clung to scriptures about God's love… especially Psalm 139 and Isaiah 61.
So many of us have walked through some extremely difficult places and have overcome. You can too… one step at a time.
Acknowledge where you are. Decide to heal at all costs. Let the hurt be a catalyst for Gods love to enter in. Don’t dwell on the big picture of where you are if at all possible. You can drown there if you do. Rather, look at what you can manage right now IN THIS MOMENT! Practice doing what you can… not everything at once.
Get the services you need…. both spiritual and psychological if at all possible. Some trauma and solutions are too much to share with nonprofessionals with no immediate solutions. People, many of them, cannot handle your pain! Allow the love of God to be the anchor in it all.
You can do this. Your SENSE OF SELF is depending on it. You were created to know who you are in Christ. #chamberofthescribe
Psalm 139:1-18
